There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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