i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
