Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
