I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
