did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
