When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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