from now on my penis is your penis
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
