Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
