So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
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I am naked and annoyed.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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