I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
