I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
