remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
