Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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