Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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