I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Still dying that you shit outside
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
