It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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