i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
