I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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