Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
