First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
