i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
