What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
