I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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