This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
