haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
