Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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