Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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