Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
