I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i wish my penis had a tongue
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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