if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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