UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
