Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
