cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
