Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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