Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
