At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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