booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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