I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
