Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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