life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
