feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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