how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
