I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
