Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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