ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
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I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
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The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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