It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
