Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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