im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
