I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My liver just broke up with me...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
