No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
