I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
