so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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