Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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