I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
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the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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