Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
