I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
